Welcome, aspiring polyglot! When I was a kid, I don’t remember exactly how old, I remember having a conversation with my parents. It’s pretty easy to take things personally when you are hormonal and, man, those teenage years are brutal in that way. But they told me one day that they made a promise to one another. That promise is something that I try to embody every day now: Always take the most generous interpretation.
A parent’s promise
People are notorious for putting their feet in their mouths. Misspeaking, saying the right thing at the wrong time, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and losing themselves in translation, even while speaking the same language. You, too, do all of these things. In fact, most of you probably spend too much time thinking about all of the times you have done those things.
I used to think about it all the time as well. However, once I learned of this promise, I had a goal to work towards. No matter how long it took, I was going to teach myself to always take the most generous interpretation of the things the people around me said to me. Let me just say, it takes a while. In fact, I still have work to do and I have been practicing for 15 years.
All of this is especially true in the world we currently live in where misinterpretation is seemingly a goal to many. But, be the change you wish to see, as they say. You might not even realize how much of a relief it is to the people you spend the most time around. I was certainly surprised.
Living it in your own life
One of my students thanked me for always taking the things he said in stride, but that is just how I have been doing things for as long as I can remember. It makes no sense to hold someone to a standard that I myself could never live, so I explained this idea to him and he loved it. In fact, he loves it so much that he is trying to implement it into his own life.
That is part of the reason that I wanted to write about this today. Of course, there is a pretty direct connection between this type of interpretation generosity and learning a new language. After all, if you want someone to treat you a certain way, treating them well first goes a long way towards reaching that objective. When people know you won’t judge them for their mistakes, they will be far more forgiving of yours.
That said, you will be getting the most practice from people with whom you spend the most time. Generally, that means your friends and family. This is a good thing. It is pretty tough to master a new skill in a new language without first having the foundation in your native language. One of the reasons I am always insisting that you improve your abilities in your native language.
However, this exercise is more difficult, not less, with the people you care for and love. When people you love say things, it can be all too easy to take those things personally. After all, these people know you better than anyone, so certainly the words they say are weighed carefully, right? Wrong.
Most people are going to assume they have a little more grace with you if they are close to you, you likely feel the same around people you love. It is natural to feel more comfortable around your loved ones and comfort breeds complacency. If you get too comfortable, it is almost impossible not to speak out of turn from time to time. That is when you need the grace. That is when you should give it.
Falling, failing, improving
As I mentioned above, I have been on this road for upwards of 15 years. At least once per week, if not once per day, I find myself being hurt or bothered by something someone said without thinking. Of course, at this point I have the wherewithal to keep my thoughts inside, but that doesn’t mean I am complete control over my emotional reaction.
For that reason, you need to give yourself grace as you learn this new skill; and you should learn this as a skill. You have no idea how much weight you are carrying from all of the things people have to say to and about you. If you want a little glimpse/reminder, read this:
True Friends
Welcome, aspiring polyglot! Everyone has at least one of these people in their lives and it may not be for your goal of bilingualism either. The often seemingly innocuous comments like “just wait until x” or “how’s your little language project” are not things that only few experience. Most of us have heard these masked discouragements in our lives.
Ultimately, this isn’t for the benefit of anyone else. You deserve the peace of believing that everything anyone says to you was said with the best of intentions. Whether or not it is true is quite irrelevant. Your perception is what matters because your perception is what constructs your reality. There is a choice and you are the only one with the power to make that choice.
Conclusion
Most people are perfectly content to spend their whole lives taking the least generous interpretation of the things that are said to or about them. It is easy to be offended. It is easy to be a victim. But easy choices don’t make for much of a memorable life. For better or worse, you are in control of how you react to everything. You have no idea how disarming it is to treat people like they want the best for you.
In a weird way, when you let go like this you are repaid in more ways than one. Certainly you benefit from carrying less weight from words you can’t control, but the people around you also carry less weight through having the freedom to speak openly and honestly without fear of hurting you. It is difficult, but you can do difficult things and be great. So go out and do some difficult things and become great. I am rooting for you.
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