Don’t fall in love. That is the number one rule of living abroad when you are an exchange student, irrespective of how long you are intending to stay. Are there circumstances where it works out? Sure, but whether or not it is worth it to go in believing you are the exception remains to be seen. From my experience, it is better to avoid it altogether. All it does is cause problems further down the line, though I can understand why it may seem worth it at the time. It certainly did to me. Hopefully this will save someone the heartache and headaches that I experienced.
It was a beautiful summer day in Köln, Germany. The school my best friend went to was having a cultural “end of year” trip and, as the English teacher is the one who facilitated it, I was invited to go along with them. We stayed at a hostel, 8 teenage boys in one room, all of them the very same people with whom I had spent my first two weeks in Germany partying and bonding. Now, 10 months later, we were having one last hurrah before I would return to the USA, two weeks after the end of the trip. Love was the absolute last thing on my mind. Though, it does always seem to find you when you are not looking.
Our first meeting, I don’t quite remember. I, allegedly, knocked on her door, no shirt, only my American flag chubbies, which at this point were a staple, and beer in hand. My friends had taken me out to taste Kölsch, the beer of Köln, and I may or may not have had several too many. By 2pm I had passed out on my bed and the next thing I remember was waking up, looking around, seeing 3 girls I had never met before, and being filled in with the day’s events. That first night, we rallied. I got up, started playing music, dancing with one of the girls, and, probably, making even more of a fool of myself than I already had that day. Still, even in my stupor, I could tell that she was looking at me, watching me.
The following day we were given even more free time than the day before. It was the penultimate day and they let us loose on the town. That was the idea, at least. I took a different approach. My friends and I decided we would spend some time with the girls rather than go out drinking all day again. This was the first mistake I made; and everything snowballed out of control from there. At the end of the day, most of us went our separate ways, but she ended up in bed with me. That’s when something I never could have anticipated happened.
For those who have seen Crazy, Stupid, Love with Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, it may or may not have been nearly identical to that situation; and, for the record, it happened to me before that movie came out. She had already seen my “moves”, the night before I had danced with her friend. She knew exactly what she thought she could expect coming with me. Nothing went the way either of us thought it would, though. Instead, we laid up until 4am, talking, laughing, learning, and dreaming together.
After the year abroad I had, making a connection like that was the last thing I planned for, especially knowing I would be leaving for the US in two weeks. Somehow, this girl who was visiting from another part of Germany, with a different school, ended up staying at the same hostel as us and, sometimes, the wrong thing comes at the right time and makes it feel like everything fell into place for a reason. Justifying emotional decisions through post hoc rationalization. Still, after that one night together I felt closer to her than I had felt to a woman in years. So much so that, against all my best judgements, I decided it was worth taking a leap of faith.
On paper, this girl had everything I wanted. She’s well educated, speaks 6 languages, loves to travel, is athletic (a gymnast), sweet, funny, and beautiful. Looking back, I can’t blame younger me for thinking it was worth taking the risk, but after everything it ended up being far more pain than pleasure. Sure, we traveled the world together, saw and did amazing things, and taught each other how to love better and how to be loved better, but that doesn’t change the fact that the exchange student rule was clearly a rule for a reason.
Falling in love abroad is rarely worth it. If you’re going to fall in love abroad, it is probably best to wait until you are no longer planning to leave. Everyone needs to make their own mistakes, but it is always best to learn from someone else’s mistakes if at all possible. Unfortunately, more often than not, you are not the exception to the rule.
This was the last time I would think of myself as the exception to the rule in this, irrespective of how much that broke my hopeless romantic heart. However, that is not to say this would be the last time I would make a romantic connection with a foreigner. In fact, the very next connection I would end up making would be with a new German girl, only possible because I knew everything I had learned while abroad. As I’ve said, being “foreign” is a cheat code on the dating market, as is being bilingual, but more on that next week.
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