Welcome, aspiring polyglot, to the third installment of the personal story series. This week a look at how I’ve seen long distance relationships play out. A bit of a warning to those considering it, but I also understand that everyone needs to make their own mistakes sometimes. Hopefully, some people will be able to learn from my mistakes, though.
Something I am asked and have been asked for many years is, is it worth it to maintain a romantic relationship while abroad? The short answer, no, unless you are going abroad together. I’m specifically talking about long distance here. That said, as with everything, everyone is in a different spot and giving overarching generalized advice is only helpful to 50% of the people asking.
That said, perhaps a personal anecdote will provide some insight to those who are already thinking, “but, but, but…” because my experience is not yours and yours is not mine. Still, having been through it multiple times, I can provide some decent insight. If you missed how we got to this point, make sure you check out the other personal stories from earlier in the series.
The first call from my girlfriend of the time was more than welcome. It had been an extremely turbulent 24 hours and I needed the reassurance and comfort that often only a significant other can offer. Plus, she spoke fluent English which I wasn’t around much that day. However, it didn’t take long until I was no longer looking forward to her calls. Here’s the first problem with having a significant other when you live in another country, memories aren’t the same.
Instead of thinking about and preserving a memory about what it is like being there, you often spend time thinking of what it would be like, if that person were there with you. The truth is, I made most of my memories in this way. Always wondering what it would have been like to see something with some person. I thought I was different, as I probably do too often, but I’m not. Some things you just have to learn the hard way.
Without even noticing, I quickly began to respond more and more infrequently. My responses were shorter, but I didn’t even notice. That’s because I was living an entirely different life at that point. Different friends, a different family, a different language, a different school, everything was different and I was finding it nearly impossible to merge the two. In fact, I never quite learned how to do that; and that’s why I think it is a bad idea to try and maintain something long distance. There are, however, other reasons that I think are worth mentioning for those who are considering it.
Between the exchange programs I went on I watched dozens of relationships implode. Whether it was from infidelity, jealousy, distrust, rumors, or something less conspicuous, all of these relationships came to an end; and the end was harsher than it would have been had they decided against trying in the first place. Most of the time, too, both parties agreed it was a waste of time. As a hopeless romantic, admitting this is not very enjoyable. Jealousy is a powerful thing and can drive people mad quickly. I know this because it happened to me, jealousy ultimately tore the relationship I was in apart, and it was all because of the girl on the soccer field.
At first it was completely innocent. We would meet up to kick the ball around and run some drills. She played for her university back in Colorado and I was trying to stay in shape for tryouts when I got home. But after spending some time together things started to change and I could tell that things might get out of hand quickly. “Slowly then suddenly”, as they say, is true of so many things. For the most part we just played together, but we would always be talking and it was great to learn things about a new person, someone who I’m sure is now doing incredible things. More than anything, it felt good to have a friend who knew what I was going through.
Being alone in a foreign country is a completely different feeling. No one knows you. No one is coming to save you. The only people who care about you don’t necessarily even care about you because you just live in their house. Yes, this varies, but at the end of the day, you are isolated and you can’t even express yourself if you want to because no one speaks your language. Having someone who understands, who you can speak with every day, builds a bond; and the grass is greener where it’s watered.
One day, after we finished with our drills for the day, we sat out on the edge of the field. Mango trees lined the border of the field and, since it was mango season, we had picked some off for a snack. On a rare sunny day in Costa Rica, sitting in the grass, eating a fresh mango, exhausted from the day’s activities, it was that moment when you sit there and think, this is the memory I want to make, but your significant other isn’t there. Instead someone who you’ve spent days and weeks with, who is beautiful and talented and intelligent and driven, sits in front of you, mango juice dripping down her face, a brilliant smile and deep blue eyes looking into your soul.
She leans in and, against all intuition, training, and desire, you blurt out, “I wish my girlfriend were here, you would love her.” and the girl, taken aback, stands up and excuses herself. She stops showing up to play soccer with you. You never really talk to her again. Now you don’t have anyone to talk to about what happened and your girlfriend is back home thinking the worst has happened, as people are apt to do. Suddenly what seemed innocent has destroyed two relationships and both are irreparable in most cases. That is why I say it is not worth it. Well, that is one of the many reasons.
The other reason relates back to ways to more effectively learn a language. A friend of mine, we will call him Kyle, was taking his language studies very seriously. One night he invited two locals to party with us at the base of a volcano. That was the first time I had ever had a drink, but more on chasing monkeys around a volcano next time. The zipline is life changing.